Since I’m too stupid to figure out how Groupon works, and since I’m a lemming when it comes to wielding discounts as a marketing tool, I decided to create my own off season service promotions.

ABOUT THE TATIVILLE SERVICE COURSE

Huffing glue and Campagnolo-certified since 1978. Yes, you can go take your ($8,500 or $850 or $85) rig to a shop that charges half price in the off season. And chances are, a polite young teenager will tinker with it for a while, turn some barrel adjusters, wash it down with some simple green, and promptly hang it up after a few minutes because your fifteen minutes are up. Or you can choose another path.

ABOUT THE NINJA

Since your entire bike is going to be torn down to the frame as part of the full PRO Tune, we might as well replace whatever crap cables and housing y’all have going on up there. Ninjas know that there are cables, and then there are cables, and the very best cables are made in Japan by Yokozuna. They’re shiny and slippery, and will make your drivetrain go rat-a-tat-TAT instead of womp-WOMP. And while Yokozuna’s Reaction housing is pretty sick, it’s not ideal for all applications. Paired with Jagwire’s Pro Road sealed housing and nosed ferrules, you’ll be braking and shifting for no other reason than it sounds and feels real, real nice.

And since we’re ripping off the cables and housing, the tape will have to go as well. I know Die Antwoord’s Ninja wears Oakley Radars, but I don’t think he rides a bike, but if he did - I am pretty sure he’d opt for Supacaz bar tape. A little over a year ago, it was suggested to me as “Lizard Skins DSP as if marketed to the aftermarket rice rocket community using bilingual strippers.” And that’s pretty accurate, I guess. Marketing aside, it’s great tape: grippy. Grippier when wet. Easy to clean. Resistant to tears. And awesome when it comes to dampening. The housing and tape must be black for all NINJA service specials.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!

I’ve been quietly using the world’s most expensive bicycle frame wax on all service work for the past year or so. Zymöl is the world’s most expensive frame wax, because it’s not bicycle frame wax at all. It’s a super high end zyme finish which bonds to your paint and turns into a wax when exposed to air. It will make your frame easier to clean, look shiny as hell, and protect your paint or powdercoat’s pigment integrity for years to come. It’s the official finishing wax for Ferrari, Alfa Romeo, and Maserati for a reason, yo.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!

As most of you know, many so-called bicycle industry products are overpriced, underperforming simulacra of similar products from other industries. And perhaps the most egregious among these charlatans are the chain lubes. Very few last but a few rides. Most attract, rather than repel, impurities. And worst of all, the vast majority simply don’t penetrate well enough to properly lubricate and silent your chain’s rollers and inner plates. In recent year’s I’ve evangelized Chain-L as an acceptable approach, but it’s not without its problems: it requires a blowtorch to apply, and doesn’t run clean for at least 100km.

That’s where NFS comes in. So the thing is, NFS (or NixFrixShun) is the kind of product I’d likely to support even if it didn’t work all that well. It’s the brainchild of a couple of nerds. It’s made in small batches in New England. It has a cult following among fans of handbuilt bicycles. And all of its profits go towards subsidizing the attendance of independent framebuilders to the rad annual Baller’s Ride event. But here’s the thing: it does work, and it absolutely works better (especially in wet, crummy conditions) than any lube you’ve tried. And I’m so confident of this that you’ll receive a bottle of this super rare and incredibly awesome elixir for yourself, and you should try it and enjoy it, and go out into the world and share a few drops with your friends and enemies alike, and behold: they will love it, too.

THE YOLANDI

The Yolandi is everything the Ninja is, but with mad bling and mad color. For starters, choose any color of Supacaz tape and Jagwire housing. Then go bananas with ano-everything courtesy of the doods at KCNC. (see links below). Hors Categorie Zef. While most of the bits are purely for aesthetic (and weight) reasons, note that a high end set of derailleur pulleys such as these are transformational.

OH YEAH, I FORGOT!

Every service package comes with a free iTunes track by Die Antwoord. Even though you probably hate their music, but whatevs.


To book a drop-off appointment, simply click on the orange button below and follow the directions. Most jobs will be completed within 24 hours. If common replacement parts (chains, cassettes, brake shoes, tires) are needed, they will be added at MSRP.


  Ninja Yolandi
Price $100 $150
Service PRO Tune PRO Tune
Track Enter the Ninja on iTunes Cookie Thumper on iTunes
Tape Supacaz, Black Only Supacaz, Colors
Cables Yokozuna Yokozuna
Housing Jagwire Road Pro Sealed, Black Only Jagwire Road Pro Sealed, Colors
Chain Lube NFS NFS
Frame Wax Zymöl Creame Zymöl Creame
Pulleys n/a KCNC
Top Cap n/a KCNC
Valve Caps n/a KCNC
Cable Ends n/a KCNC
Cage Bolts n/a KCNC